


Well That's What I Heard!

by ThoughtWarfare



Category: Miraculous Ladybug
Genre: F/M, jokes about teenagers having sex, no actual hanky-panky though, one-shot turned three-shot, this gets pretty crazy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-24
Updated: 2016-09-02
Packaged: 2018-08-10 21:11:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,872
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7861312
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThoughtWarfare/pseuds/ThoughtWarfare
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Marinette and Adrien's classmates have done the math. They've noticed the absences, the excuses, and the awkwardness. And they've come to the logical conclusion:</p>
<p>Marinette and Adrien are totally doing it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. School Daze

Marinette’s first clue had only made sense in retrospect.

At the time, though, she was nothing more than a little surprised when Mylene approached her on the way back from lunch, right outside the school. "Marinette! Hey, Marinette, do you- um, could I talk to you? For a moment?"

"Sure!" For a change, Marinette wasn't running late for anything, so she was happy to oblige with a smile. "What did you need?"

Mylene was silent for an unusually long time, and then finally mumbled, "Can I ask a personal question?"

At this, Marinette grew a little wary. As a keeper secrets and perpetrator of a double superhero life, she lived in dread of personal questions, especially ones like, "Are you Ladybug?" or, "Do you have any detailed thoughts about Adrien Agreste's smile?" or, "Alya can be a bit much with that blog of hers, right?" Still, she could see that this matter seemed to be important to her classmate, so she steeled herself and nodded.

Mylene looked left. Then she looked right. Having confirmed that no one else was around, she leaned forward and spoke just above a whisper. "It's been really great with- you know, Ivan and me. I've been thinking about- about lots of things, and- and the future and- and other things, so I got to w- wondering about- Um, I've been wondering- figuring you'd know- um, and- and I wanted to ask what is _it_ like?"

Marinette had a lot of trouble parsing that whole statement for actual meaning, but eventually concluded that Mylene- in the wake of the kiss she had shared with her boyfriend Ivan in the aftermath of the Horrificator incident- wanted to try kissing as a deliberate, planned act of affection, and as a person with strong fears, she wanted reassurances that it wouldn't end in disaster. Marinette had no idea why Mylene had picked her for this reassurance, but she was more than happy to be of help. "Well, Mylene, I expect it's different for every couple, but in general, it's the stuff fantasies are made of." She surrendered to a dreamy smile, imagining what it would be like to actually kiss Adrien, the greatest boy in the entire world.

Mylene's eyes grew wide, and she smiled back. "Wow. Thanks, Marinette. I'll keep that in mind."

"No problem!" Together, the girls went to their next class, and Marinette was in a good mood for a whole fifteen minutes before a giant gorilla attacked downtown Paris, and she needed to cut class again to take care of the incident as Ladybug.

* * *

Adrien was very used to being the target of broad smiles. After all, he was a world-famous model; smiles went with the territory. But _grins_ were a different matter, and the first indication he had that something was seriously wrong was the positively evil grin that Kim gave him when they encountered each other in the boys' locker room soon after Adrien returned from saving Paris from a giant gorilla as Cat Noir.

Figuring that he would try faking his way through it, Adrien waved. "Hey, Kim. What's up?"

The bigger boy's grin grew even wider. "Dude, major respect." He followed that up with a thumbs-up.

Adrien blinked, trying to make sense of things but failing utterly. "Um, thanks?"

Kim nodded, and then leaned over and whispered, "Don't mess this up, man." Then he gave another thumbs-up and went on his way.

Adrien could only stand there blinking for the next minute. Maybe this was about a fencing tournament?

But then what had been up with that _grin?_

* * *

The next day started for Marinette in the worse possible way: she had no sooner sat down at her desk then Chloe was standing next to her, looming and fuming.

"Good morning," Marinette deadpanned.

Chloe's face was actually turning red. "I don't know how you managed it," she said- or rather, snarled, "but just know that you are nothing but trash and it means _nothing._ Eventually the _novelty_ will wear off and then I'll prevail again."

Marinette found herself squinting and wondering if there was a part of this conversation she had missed. None of what Chloe had said was out-of-character, but she usually needed some kind of a lead-in to calling people trash. "Um, what?"

Chloe spun her heels and stomped back over to her desk, hands clenched into white-knuckle fists at her side.

Marinette looked over to Alya. "Did that make any sense to you?"

But her friend was playing with her phone, expression intent. "Probably not. What happened?"

"Chloe came over her spouting nonsense about how I'm trash."

"Oh. It must be Tuesday. Did you fight her?"

"No, I was just kind of confused."

"That works, too." Alya looked up from her phone. "I was just reading that a new bad guy calling himself Copy Protection is causing trouble at the tech expo downtown."

"Oh, wow, that sounds- uh, wow! I'm going to hit the bathroom before class starts, bye!" Marinette ran out of the classroom, already planning the route she would take as Ladybug to the expo, and never noticed that Adrien had yet to show up.

* * *

What had already been a trying day- first, there had been the attack of Copy Protection before he could get to school, then a second attack by a 'The Inflator' during lunch, and lastly what had seemed like a third attack during PE but turned out to be a thrill-seeker illegally trying to climb the Eiffel Tower in a Spider-Man suit- took a turn for the weird when Adrien was running back to class and passed Alix in the hall. Her eyebrows rose when she saw him, and she began smirking with an intensity that made him wonder if she was about to be transformed into a supervillain. (Again.)

But instead she just laughed and said, "Huh, three times today? _You stud!_ "

"What?" Had she figured out that he was moonlighting as a cat-powered superhero?

But she passed by him without another word, and then he almost bumped into Marinette coming back from some errand.

* * *

Marinette liked to think that she was smarter than people like to give her credit for. If asked, any random classmate would have denied that Marinette had the makings of a superhero, but she had stepped up quite well when a pair of mysterious earrings randomly showed up in her possession, thank you very much. And in addition to now fighting supervillains an average of once per day, she had developed strategies- actual smart _strategies_ \- for managing her civilian life. Sometimes, they even worked!

Like the Class Notes Plan. Whenever she needed to run out to be Ladybug, she would have to get the notes she missed from someone else. Alya, as Marinette's bestie, would have been the perfect person to ask, but you could only bug the administrator of the Ladyblog to copy her notes so many times before she might get suspicious. So Marinette had a little chart at home of the people in her class, and duly checked off whenever she asked one of them for notes, making sure that she was spreading the 'love' evenly.

After using a request for a bathroom break to run over to Le Grand Paris to save another of Chloe's personal servants from an akuma infection, Marinette was back in class and walking over to today's 'notes buddy,' Juleka. "Hey, Juleka. Do you mind if I copy your notes from Miss Mendeliev's lecture? I was stuck in the bathroom with a stomachache."

Juleka, nice goth girl that she was, held up the notes. "Sure. You can give them back to me after study hall."

"Great! Thanks!" Marinette grabbed them and turned to go, but there was the distinct sound of someone clearing their throat in such a way that meant they had no need of actually clearing their throat. Marinette looked back, and found Juleka's best friend and seat-mate, Rose, standing up with a serious expression. "Rose, did you need something?"

"Marinette, as your friend, I just feel the need to say that-" She swallowed, and then blurted, "I hope you're being safe!"

Marinette nodded, understanding completely. Rose was a very kind-hearted girl, and it had to be tough for her to go to school so close to so many akuma attacks. Most of this very class had even been transformed into supervillains! No doubt she worried whenever someone left the classroom alone, no matter the reason. "Rose, I appreciate you concern. Don't worry, I'm taking every precaution."

She was startled by the sudden sound of someone choking, and turned to see that Nathaniel, still in his seat in front of Rose, was having a coughing attack.

"Oh, no," Rose shrieked. She shot over to the boy and began patting his back. "There, there. Time heals all wounds."

That seemed to be an odd thing to say over a coughing fit, but Rose had the situation under control, so Marinette gave a parting smile and went on her way.

* * *

The last thing Adrien expected to hear in the school library was the phrase, "Adrien is _not_ screwing Marinette."

No, check that, the real last thing he expected to hear was, "Adrien is _totally_ screwing Marinette."

And so he turned the corner around a book shelf to meet up with his best bud Nino for their study hall session, only to find Nino holding court before Kim, Max, and Ivan saying, "Adrien is _not_ screwing Marinette."

And Kim immediately replied, "Adrien is _totally_ screwing Marinette."

And thus Adrien had apparently entered his least likely reality.

Cat-like reflexes took over, and he zipped back behind the bookshelf before the guys could see him. He stayed out of sight, but close enough to hear Max add, "I've done the math. Whenever Marinette is not in class, there's a 98% chance of Adrien being absent as well. The correlation goes down to 80% if we start with Adrien's absences and then check against Marinette, but his modeling career could explain the discrepancy."

Nino laughed. "Dudes, I'm telling you, there is no hanky-panky going on there. I'm not even sure Adrien likes girls, and Marinette is still crushing so hard that she can't even talk straight when she's not distracted."

Adrien supposed he should be worried that the most shocking thing about that statement was that a kid his age was actually using the phrase "hanky-panky" unironically.

But, wait, Marinette liked him? Wow, and all this time Adrien thought the poor girl was an epileptic.

And people thought they were-

-they were-

-having hanky-panky?

Adrien used the fine mental control honed over several months of being the acclaimed superhero Cat Noir to keep himself from imagining anything related to his previous thoughts. While his brain went into shut-down, he heard Ivan growl, "Well, Agreste better man up and commit to her, or I'm going to have to give him a talk. As my favorite philosopher once said, 'If you like it, put a ring on it.' Hiding that they're even dating is disrespectful to Marinette."

Kim chuckled. "I'd pay money to see you beat up Adrien Agreste for dishonoring Marinette. What would Mylene think of that?"

"Shut up!" Adrien heart the distinct sound of one of Ivan's meaty fists hitting Kim's left shoulder, a sound that everyone in their class knew well. "Marinette is a good person. She's nice to everyone. Mylene says so, too!"

"I'm still skeptical," Nino put in, and Adrien silently cheered his friend on. Then Nino added, "I'm telling you, Chloe has to have left Adrien terrified of girls. He's probably into guys just out of survival instinct."

On second thought, maybe it wasn't too late to go back to being home-schooled.

* * *

Marinette came home from school to find Gabriel Agreste's scary assistant-lady waiting for her in her parents' bakery.

"Marinette, dear," Mom said, coming from behind that counter. "You have company. Miss- uh-"

"I am Nathalie Sancoeur," the severe woman put in. "I am here on behalf of Mr Agreste to make you an offer, Miss Dupain-Cheng. Might we have a word in private?"

Marinette looked to her mom, who nodded, and so she led the way into the residential side of the building. Once she and Miss Sancoeur were seated in the living room, she said, "Am I going to be talking to Mr Agreste through the tablet again?"

Miss Sancoeur gave a single, sharp shake of her head. "It was felt that this is a conversation that should be kept between us women."

"O- kay." Marinette decided to just roll with it. "Then what is this offer about?"

Miss Sancoeur took a deep breath, and then said in a disturbingly even voice, "We know your secret."

 _What?_ Gabriel Agreste knew she was Ladybug? How? _Why?_

"And give the Agreste family's obvious investment in the matter, Adrien's father wanted to offer support, in his own way," Miss Sancoeur continued.

Support? Adrien's involvement? What did-

And suddenly Marinette figured it out. She realized what this was all about.

Adrien was _Cat Noir!_

Mr Agreste had found out, and now he wanted to bankroll their superheroics!

_And Adrien was the shameless flirt in tight leather who Marinette saved the world with all the time!_

She was unable to stop her blush and a giggle, but she managed to say, "I appreciate that. Thank you."

Miss Sancoeur nodded, and took out a piece of paper from her handbag. "This is a prescription for birth control pills. If you feel you cannot get it filled yourself, I can arrange to pick up the pills for you."

Wait, what?

Miss Sancoeur continued, "If you need anti-biotics, let me know, and I'll obtain a prescription for those as well."

Wait, what?

Miss Sancoeur reached into her handbag again, and came out with some very suggestively-shaped little packages. "Of course, health officials still recommend physical forms of birth control in addition to the pill, but I didn't know which kind you would prefer, so I bought samples of everything available over the counter. Let me know which one you like, and I can-"

"Wait," Marinette screeched, "what?"

Miss Sancoeur blinked once. "We just want Adrien to be safe and healthy."

With dawning horror, Marinette realized that this conversation- that every mystifying conversation she had endured over the last few days- was about sex.

Sex with Adrien.

When she regained consciousness, she ran out of the room, out of her parents bakery, and skidded to a stop in the middle of the street to shout, "I am not _banging_ Adrien Agreste! We're just superheroes! We're shy, innocent kids who use magic thingies to become Ladybug and Cat Noir and _we're not doing anything other than that!_ "

Standing there in the busiest intersection in Paris, being stared at by everyone who had been passing by, Marinette realized that she might have just over-reacted a little bit.

* * *

And so Hawk Moth's next akuma was able to destroy Ladybug and Cat Noir by targeting their civilian lives, and he used their miraculouses to reshape the world.

Let that be a lesson to people everywhere: teenage sex stops supervillains.


	2. Waking Nightmare

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone isn't dead, and they're not particularly happy about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> letadrieneat said there should be a part 2, and i was all 'everyone kind of died' but then i realized i could get around that easy, and you are all so crazy you gave me more kudos and comments on this one story than the whole rest of my fanfic career combined. so here's part 2. don't hate me for it.

Marinette realized she wasn't dead when she woke up to the sensation of having her head prodded by the toe of Miss Sancoeur's gorgeous blue pumps.

"Oh," the redundantly-minded woman said. "You're not dead."

Marinette pushed Miss Sancoeur's (very stylish) shoe away and tried to sort the thoughts bouncing around in her head like Manon after sneaking an espresso. Something about Cat Noir, Adrien, the matter of having sex with one or both of them, and Hawk Moth killing everyone and taking over the world? Each one of those elements had appeared in her dreams in the past, but never all of them at once. At least it wasn't the dream where she accidentally showed up to school as Ladybug and found out that she had completely forgotten about Only Speak Chinese Day. Compared to that, the sex dreams were no problem.

She let Miss Sancoeur help her up off the floor and wondered what Gabriel Agreste's assistant was doing in her living room. Oh, yes, something about birth control pills and Adrien and-

Everything went black and Marinette crashed back to the floor.

When she woke up _again_ , Marinette found that her mother had entered the scene. "I don't know what's wrong with her," Miss Sancoeur was saying. "Unless Adrien got her pregnant already and this is the first-trimester dizziness."

Oh. Right. The parts about Adrien and sex weren't just elements of a stress-induced fever dream, but actual things that actual people thought were actually happening, in actuality.

Marinette was going to go ahead and faint again, but then realized that it probably wouldn't help her case when she started denying that she was carrying Adrien Agreste's love child, and reluctantly elected to stay conscious, just for now.

Instead, her mother went and lost consciousness.

Miss Sancoeur blinked just once, and her expression never changed. "Or maybe this is an inherited illness?"

Marinette groaned and failed to notice the black butterfly squeezing in under one of the closed windows.

* * *

Prior to today, Adrien thought that any time spent as the center of his father's attention was a gift from providence, but that was before he had come to home to find that the rumors about him screwing/banging/schtupping/boinking (Adrien had learned lots of new words today!) Marinette Dupain-Cheng had somehow followed him from school.

"WhatHowWhy?!" Adrien had said to the tablet displaying his father's face.

"Really, Adrien," had been the reply, "do you think I don't get regular updates on your life at school? Grades, behavioral reports, major rumors working their way through the group of Neanderthals that make up the student body- all of it is summarized and brought to me. And about this Marionette girl-"

"Marinette. And we're not really doing anything!”

Father had sighed at that point. "There's no need to deny it. I suppose I should have seen this coming. You are my son, after all. I had to beat the girls off with a stick (literally), and you're far too nice to inflict that kind of blunt trauma on people.

Adrien's knew that his horrified expression was in no way capable of capturing the full amount of horror that statement had inspired in him.

And then his father proceeded to give him The Talk.

Through the tablet.

At 720p resolution.

However, it hadn't turned out as bad as Adrien expected. He fell asleep halfway through the first PowerPoint presentation, and was having a pleasant dream about Ladybug showing up at school needing his help for Only Speak Chinese Day before being woken up by his beeping phone. It was an alert from the Ladyblog about a report of a new akuma attack.

It seemed that a creature resembling the ancient descriptions of the mythological Echidna had burst out of the Dupain-Cheng bakery and was locking everyone she encountered into chastity belts.

Well.

Not only was this day easily the weirdest of Adrien's life, it was gunning to be weirder than the whole rest of his life _combined_.

* * *

Marinette's heart soared when a certain superhero in cat ears and a leather body-suit pole-vaulted over the Paris skyline and arced towards the ruins of her family's bakery. She waved for Cat Noir's attention and was gratified when he came in for a landing on the sidewalk beside her. "Cat, I need your help!"

He grinned at her and flexed his arms. "Anything for my favorite civilian partner. Which way did the akumatized baddie go?"

"Forget that! I need you to get this off of me!"

Cat Noir followed her pointing fingers down, down to her pelvic region. "Um, are you wearing stainless steel, padlocked underwear outside your pants?"

She reached over and smacked the side of his head. "My mother turned into a half-snake monster and zapped me with a laser that stuck me in a chastity belt, because apparently the whole world thinks I'm getting laid by A- Adri-“ She fanned herself and when she finally was able to say the name, it came out as a shout: “ _Adrien Agreste!_ And now she's on her way to Adrien's place to capture him for a shotgun wedding, so I need your help getting this off now!"

"Ah, well." Cat Noir's face went bright red, and despite the utter terribleness of the whole situation, she couldn't help but notice that his rosy cheeks went well with the black mask and green kitty eyes. "I understand that the situation is... uh, uncomfortable, but my priority needs to be the akuma itself. Once Ladybug and I free the akuma and she does her magic fix-everything-we-broke thing, you'll be fine."

Marinette resisted the urge to smack him again. "I, uh, already talked to Ladybug. She has another secret mission, and- and she can't complete it until this chastity belt is off!" Which, from a certain point of view, wasn't a complete and utter lie. When she and Tikki had tried to go all Spots On, the kwami had been repelled by some kind of magic field and the chastity belt had made a gonging sound. "Cat Noir, the safety of the world depends on you ruining my chastity!"

He laughed.

This time, she _did_ smack him.

"Okay," he chuckled. "Let's get you off the street and see what I can do."

* * *

Chloe Bourgeois was walking down a hallway in her father's hotel, _still_ fuming that the little tart Marinette had apparently worked up the guts to make a move on Adrikins, and even worse, she had done so with her _lady-parts._ Adrien, being a poor, helpless _guy_ , seemed to have fallen under Marinette's tawdry spell, forgetting the sophistication and true companionship that Chloe could offer him. There was no doubt in her mind that Adrien would eventually come to his senses and stop fooling around with the common trash, but that didn't change that fact that right this minute he was probably with Marinette getting a-

Voices sounded through door Chloe was passing, bringing her to a halt. It sounded like-

"Ow," one of the voices hissed.

"Sorry," said another.

The first came back with, "You're not very good at this."

"Well, it's my first time. I just need to figure out the proper angle for my staff-"

"Ow! Again!"

Chloe blinked. The hotel room behind that door shouldn't be occupied. And whoever was in there, they had terrible taste in double-entendres.

"You know, if I used my Cataclysm, I could get that thing off with just a touch."

"No!"

"Why not?"

"What if it doesn't just destroy the chastity belt? I could wind up standing here with no pants on!"

"Well, at this point-"

" _NO._ "

"I promise I won't look! Seriously, I give you my word. One little destructo-touch, and I'll turn around and never lay another eye on you until you give the okay. You can trust me!"

"...I know, Kitty."

Chloe wasn't sure if this newest exchange clarified things or just made them more confusing. She fished her universal key out of her pocket and used it to open the door.

Inside, she found Marinette standing there wearing shining metal underwear over her ugly pink pants, a padlock hanging from the center of the waist. Chat Noir was standing right next to her, his staff stuffed into the metal underpants like a crowbar.

Both of them turned to stare at Chloe.

"This isn't as bad as it looks," blurted Marinette.

Cat Noir grinned and said, "But it's still pretty bad."

Marinette reached over and smacked the side of his head.

Chloe couldn’t believe what she was seeing. No, wait, Marinette was trash, and this was totally believable. "You're cheating on Adrien with _Cat Noir?_ You little sl-"

And then Marinette stepped forward and punched Chloe in the face.

* * *

Marinette wound up sharing a holding cell with Juleka, of all people. After her various escape attempts all failed (it turned out that iron bars could not be chewed through) she sighed and sat down next to her cellmate on the bunk. "So," she said, "what are you in for?"

Juleka produced a pack of cigarettes from a pocket. "I stole these."

"Huh, I didn't know you smoked."

"Oh, I don't." Juleka looked left, looked right, and then whispered, "These were for Rose. She's pretty much a chain-smoker."

Marinette decided that it made as much sense as anything else in her life right now. "I'm here for aggravated assault against Chloe."

"Finally."

"Yeah, it's amazing it didn't happen sooner." Marinette looked around at the concrete walls. She decided that this place really needed some pink. "Juleka, as long as we're having a heart-to-heart, I just want you to know that I'm not having sex with Adrien. I'm not even dating him. I'm pretty sure he thinks my name is Marionette."

Juleka nodded. "I figured."

Marinette blinked. "What? Then why is everyone talking about it?"

"Oh, everyone else believes it. I think they just like thinking and talking about sex, and the rumors about you are a convenient opportunity." Juleka took one of the cigarettes out of the pack and balanced it between her nose and upper-lip. "I'm sure it will work out somehow. Everything does."

Marinette hoped the other girl was right, but at this moment- being stuck in very uncomfortable metal underwear while her mother was a snake-monster on the way to beat up _Adrien_ \- she was having a little trouble working up any optimism.

That's when the grating over the air-vent in the ceiling abruptly fell to the floor with a clatter, followed by Cat Noir dropping down and taking a bow. "Ladies! Who's up for a jailbreak?"

Marinette was on her feet in an instant. "Cat, you beautiful leather-fiend, I could _kiss_ you!"

"Ah, beautiful Marinette, my heart belongs to my Lady, but I will certainly keep you in mind if I've ever desperate for a rebound romance." He held up a hand and added, "Cataclysm!" One of his fingers thus became a Finger of Doom, and he tapped it against Marinette's chastity belt.

He kept his eyes closed as it rusted away to nothing.

Which was good, because Marinette's pants crumbled to dust immediately afterward.

"Wow," said Juleka, "you have chicken legs."

Marinette ignored the other girl and made sure that Cat Noir was keeping his eyes closed. "Okay, Kitty, that's one problem solved. Now how do we get out of here?"

"Uh." His cheeks colored again, and this time it was not cute at all. "I hadn't gotten that far yet. You see, my Cataclysm is one-use only, and-" He was interrupted by the beeping of his magic ring.

So now Marinette was stuck with no pants in a jail cell with Cat Noir, and he was about to revert to his secret identity, the truth of him that Marinette had never wanted to learn.

She looked over to Juleka. "Can I have a cigarette? I've just decided to take up smoking."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i wanted to write a part 2 and now i'm leaving it open for a part 3. i'm trash.


	3. This Is Where It Gets A Little Weird

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everything comes to its illogical conclusion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i wanted to get this done for today, because apparently i want to celebrate the first anniversary of a cartoon i discovered three weeks ago. lol

As a superhero dressed like a black feline, Cat Noir knew he had no business calling _other_ people unlucky. Except given the current circumstances- stuck in a jail cell with a pants-less Marinette Dupain-Cheng while his magic ring counted down the minutes until he was returned to being boring old super-rich super-model Adrien Agreste- he was prepared to take the heat and say that Marinette was indeed bad luck.

In fact, standing there with his eyes closed (he was _not_ wondering what her underwear looked like, he was _not_ wondering what her underwear looked like, he was _not_ wondering what her underwear looked like) he was starting to think she might be an Avatar of Kaos come to Earth just to mess with him for a crime he had committed in a past life. Or for seeking out and downloading those _special_ drawings of Ladybug from the dark corners of the internet. One of the two.

His ring beeped again. Just one minute to go.

"Marinette," he said, keeping his eyes closed.

He heard her groan. "What?"

"I don't think I'm going to be able to get out of this one. You're about to learn my secret identity."

"No!" He was surprised at the vehemence in her voice. "I'll close my eyes, too. You came here to help me, and I won't betray that!"

Wow, she was such a great girl, not counting the whole Avatar of Kaos thing. If he had to suffer from rumors of a sex scandal that wasn't really happening, he was glad it was with her. "Thanks."

"Sure, not like there's anyone else here to worry about," the jail's other occupant chimed in.

Oh, yeah, Juleka was here, too, wasn't she?

Before Cat could apologize, he heard footsteps approaching the cell. Oh, _kitty-litter_ , it was probably one of the guards. Why not just take out an ad: Adrien Agreste is the guy running around rooftops in a leather furry suit!

"Your staff, quick! Climb on top and go up" Marinette hissed. Now what did she mean by-

Cat Noir felt Marinette's hands grab his super-suit, then she yanked him to stand on top of grating he had popped off of the cell's air vent when he broke in to save her, and finally shoved his staff into his hands.

Ah! He got it. He propped one end of the staff on the ground, and then had it extend to carry him up, up, up into the air vent. That girl was truly a master of how to use his extending stick.

Hm, should he say that to her, or was it too lewd? Ladybug would slap him for such a thing, but Marinette?

A new voice, that of an older woman who had absolutely had no time for your kitty-litter, broke into his thoughts with, "Marinette Dupain-Cheng?"

"Yes?"

"You have a visitor for a conjugal visit."

The resulting pause was almost as pregnant as people thought Marinette was. Eventually, she said, "Huh?"

"Conjugal visit." Cat could hear the jingling of keys, and the sound of the cell door swinging open. "It's one of your rights as a prisoner. Your boy-toy Adrien Agreste apparently didn't think you'd be able to survive an hour in holding without his- hey, why are strutting around in your underpants?"

"I'm- I'm just so eager for my conjugal visit! I guess? I should get going and see him. Or do him. Or whatever. Tee hee."

Cat Noir frowned. Did Marinette just say the words "tee hee" instead of actually giggling?

More importantly, how dare Adrien Agreste try to horn on this special moment between Cat and his favorite civilian-

Wait.

 _He_ was Adrien Agreste.

So how could-

His ring gave one last beep just as he heard the sound of the cell door being closed again.

Then Cat Noir went away- supersuit, extending staff that the ladies liked, and all- leaving Adrien 10 feet off the ground with nothing beneath him.

At least he didn't yowl like a cat when he plummeted. That would have just been embarrassing.

He managed to yank his own shirt over his head before his tailbone impacted against the cold, hard ground.

* * *

Marinette had decided to stop trying to make sense of the world. It was taking far too much effort for far too little effect, and really, who ever said that the world was supposed to make sense? Just because it had for the first fourteen years of her life was no guarantee, and really, she should have started getting suspicious when a little pink bug-fairy-pikachu thing named Tikki gave her magical earrings and made her a superhero. That Marinette had persisted in expecting the world to make sense after that was just stupid, and today was her inevitable punishment.

People thought she and Adrien Agreste were doing the nasty three times every day? Sure, why not?

Her mother had transformed into a monster to go kill Adrien for the sex that wasn't happening? Groovy.

Now Adrien had somehow escaped her mother and had showed up at the jail where no one knew she was for a conjugal visit that she didn't want (kind of)? Just go with it!

And so when Marinette was escorted into a little room with a cot to find not Adrien, but Tikki wearing doll-sized jeans, a t-shirt, and a really bad blond wig, she did nothing more than blink once and say, "Hello, _Adrien._ "

Tikki smiled. "Marinette, my cookie of love! Ready for your conjugal visit?"

"Sure, I-" And that's when she broke out in laughter. She laughed and laughed until her legs went weak and she had to sit down on the floor. She laughed while the guard asked if she was okay, and laughed while she made reassuring motions with her hands because she couldn't stop laughing long enough to speak. She laughed while she cried and the guard hurried away and closed the door, leaving Marinette alone with Tikki.

Tikki hovered over and pulled the wig off. "Marinette, are you okay?"

Marinette laughed. "Of course I am! I've never been better!" She wiped away at the tears streaming from her eyes as a sob escaped from her throat. "Why wouldn’t I be?"

Tikki patted Marinette's head. "There, there. I know it looks bad now, but things can still work out. And yes, most people don't usually have such bizarre experiences without hallucinogens, but look on the bright side: you get to try out weirdness like this _without_ getting hooked on drugs! Yay!"

Marinette wondered if that might be the stupidest thing she'd ever heard. "Tikki?"

"Yes?"

"Spots ******************ing on."

"Language!"

Seconds later, Ladybug was swinging away from the jail, racing to save the love of her life.

* * *

Adrien couldn't stay in jail for another minute.

The shirt over his head had stopped Juleka from recognizing him (he appreciated the Juleka’s unique style, but he knew that the only girl in his class who would ever be able to recognize him by the hem of his jeans was Marinette, and now that he realized that it sounded very cute), but that left him in a concrete box behind iron bars with an exhausted kwami named Plagg and no stinky cheese to feed him.

Adrien was starting to wonder if Plagg could be persuaded to try eating the cell bars when the kwami said, "Hey, that chick has smokes!"

"She's on fire?" Adrien didn't feel any heat, even through the shirt on his head, and he didn't smell any smoke.

"No, you sheltered nimrod, she has fags!"

" _Plagg!_ That terms is highly offensive. We say 'homosexual' now. And her preferences are none of our business."

"Argh! I mean she has bones! Cancer sticks! Cigs!"

"I think," Juleka said, "he means the pack of cigarettes I stole for Rose."

Rose smokes? No, wait, that wasn't the point. "Plagg, what do you care about cigarettes?"

"Hey, why do you think I'm always jonesing for Camembert? You have to replace one addiction with another to kick a habit like that."

"You used to smoke? Aw, Plagg, that's gross. Is that why your fangs are yellow?"

Adrien could feel something soft and kwami-shaped bouncing on top of his head. "The point is, kid, that I can recharge by smoking one of the girl's smokes! But since I’m falling off the wagon for you, you owe me _triple_ Camembert later!"

It didn’t take him long to consider it. "Miss Juleka, how much to buy your cigarettes? And a match?"

All of his spending cash and one quick cigarette break later, Cat Noir was able to Cataclysm the heck out of the jail's bars and race back home to be rescued by Ladybug. He vaulted across the city, barely even looking where he was going and relying on muscle memory alone to guide his way, all too aware of the beeping of his ring. He wouldn't have long before he was stuck as Adrien again, and he needed to find his Lady! He wouldn't be able to help her as Cat Noir, but even as himself he might be able to help her fight the newest akuma-victim.

Too bad he had spent so long in jail. (But he was hardly going to _say_ that out loud, because he had only been in the clink for fifteen minutes, and his buddy Nino was always trying to stop him from complaining about "rich white pretty-boy problems." A fifteen minute jail stay sounded like one of those.)

He got to his house just as his ring was giving its last beep. He aimed himself as his bathroom window and angled his staff to send him flying through it. He passed into the bathroom just as his costume disappeared again and made a landing that was half-roll and half-crash that sent him tumbling into his bedroom.

When he came to a stop, he found himself sitting between Ladybug and a half-snake woman wearing a belt of white lily flowers, and they seemed to be in the middle of some kind of fight to the death. They both turned to stare at him.

Adrien waved. “I just got out of the shower. Did I miss any of the fight with the Echidna?”

Still locked frozen in combat with the akuma-victim, Ladybug blinked. “You mean like the little red guy from the ‘Sonic the Hedgehog’ games?”

“No, the supposed mother of all monsters from Greek mythology.”

“Greek? But M- er, the victim is Chinese.”

“What, a Chinese woman can’t turn into a Greek monster?” Adrien didn’t think he could have ever doubted his Lady, but this was just a step too far. “That’s kind of racist of you.”

The snake-woman took advantage of Ladybug’s shock to spin and use her tail to whip the spotted superhero across the room. She then turned to Adrien and screeched, "You knocked up my daughter!"

"No he," called Ladybug from where she landed on his bed, but then she coughed and restarted with, "I mean, I have no idea about the sex lives of these ordinary citizens, but I highly doubt what you're asserting!"

"The Mother of All Monsters will force him to make an honest woman of my daughter, _or I will tear the flesh from his bones and use his blood to paint a warning to all other boys in my daughter's bedroom!_ "

Yeah, Adrien figured that would just about kill any teenage boy's libido.

Maybe coming home again wasn't the best idea?

That's when he heard two of the most beautiful words of all time, at least when they were uttered together in the proper order, as Ladybug's voice rang out with, "Lucky Charm!"

Adrien looked over and saw the magic red-and-black polka-dotted magic item drop into her hands. He couldn't quite make out what it was; it was fairly small and thin, almost like a pen, and it-

"A pregnancy test?" Ladybug's voice was clearly puzzled. Then her face took on a thoroughly appalled expression and she blurted out, "It's positive?!"

Adrien fainted.

He woke up when a yo-yo wrapped around his body and yanked him out of the way of the attack of the snake woman. He landed on the bed at Ladybug’s side, and she shot him an unreadable look before facing the monster once again. "Play along," she whispered to him. "I think I figured out what I'm supposed to do with this." Ladybug stepped off the bed and pointed at Mother of All Monsters. "You've got it all wrong, Ms Cheng. Adrien wasn't sleeping with your daughter. That was just a story he used to cover up the fact that he's been having an affair _with me!_ "

Adrien gasped.

The snake-woman gasped.

Ladybug held up the pregnancy test. "And I'm carrying his love child! Marinette certainly won't test positive, I can guarantee you that!"

Adrien gasped.

The snake-woman gasped.

Ladybug put her hands on her hips. "So now if you'll excuse me and my hot teenage model lover, we have some major life decisions to discuss. Go home to your family and warn your daughter about getting caught up in the soap opera theatrics of people like me!"

Adrien couldn't help but break out in a grin. His Lady was a genius! He nodded enthusiastically to back up her story.

The snake-woman, however, didn't seem so convinced. "I think you're bluffing. You're a superhero and a role-model. There's no way you've been leading such a salacious life."

"Ha!" Ladybug turned around to Adrien, winked at him, and then sat down in his lap. He was suddenly, painfully aware of how tight and clingy her costume was. She laid her head on his shoulder and said, "Look how cute we are?"

Mother of All Monster snorted. "Yes, you're G-rated adorable. Nice try, kid."

"Yeah, well, check this out!" Ladybug squirmed in Adrien's lap in such a way that nearly made him faint again. "I'm a dirty, dirty girl."

"Impressive, Ladybug, but hardly what I'd call definitive proof."

"You want proof? I'll give you proof, Mother!"

That's when Ladybug smashed her lips against Adrien's and rammed her tongue down his throat while shoving him down on the bed.

The next minute was a perfect storm of wonder and saliva and moaning and choking and grace and awkwardness and Ladybug really had no idea what she was doing with her tongue because now she was picking some bits of lunch out from between Adrien's teeth and he couldn't breath and oxygen was really important and then the kiss ended and both he and Ladybug were gasping and coughing.

They looked to Mother of Monsters simultaneously.

The snake-woman blinked once. Twice. Three times. "Okay, fine, I'm convinced. That was the most disgusting kiss I've ever seen, and my husband once tried to kiss me with a mouth full of chocolate cake." She turned to slither away. "Good luck with the whole unplanned pregnancy thing."

That's when Ladybug flipped her yo-yo out and used it to snag a piece of paper from Mother of Monster's lily belt. The snake-woman turned and screeched as Ladybug tore it in half, releasing the black butterfly from within.

While the monster reverted to Marinette's mom and Ladybug did her whole "de-evilize" (which he was fairly certain wasn't actually a word) thing, Adrien investigated the remains of the paper that had contained the akuma.

It looked like a prescription for birth control pills.

And it was signed by Nathalie, who was claiming to be Marinette’s doctor. Well, that was one way to make use of a podiatry minor.

Ladybug's earrings beeped, and he looked up to see that she had already released the purified butterfly and used the magic pregnancy test to restore reality. She looked at Adrien with pain evident on her face and said, "I am _so_ sorry about all of this. But, um, the kiss wasn't so bad, I hope?"

Adrien had no idea what to say to that.

Her earrings beeped again, and with an apologetic shrug, she used her yo-yo to swing out his window.

So, that was all done, then.

There were several things he could do at this point- feed Plagg, help Marinette's mother off the floor of his bedroom, set about clearing up the rumors about his sex life, pout at Nathalie for misusing her degree again- but he found himself going over to the open window and staring after Ladybug.

He didn't see his partner, but he did find Marinette standing in his backyard, banging her head against his house. "Um, Marinette, what are you doing?"

She looked up at him, blushed (of course), and tried to laugh. "Um, Adrien! I- uh- I was- well, you see, I had this sudden urge to give myself a concussion, and you're so strong and hard _I mean your wall is so strong and hard_ and so I... came over here to smack my head against your house?"

"Oh." That made about as much sense as anything else today. And it _was_ Marinette. "Well, when you're done, your mom is up here and she's not a monster anymore."

"Thanks!" Then she proceeded to start smacking her head against the wall again.

As he watched her, he couldn't help but think about the fact that she was apparently crushing so hard on him that everyone in their school could believe that their simultaneous absences were about sex. He thought about how she was a kind, good, funny, righteous, cute girl who seemed to regard him well. He thought about how much a hero she had been today, helping Ladybug with another secret mission, saving his identity, breaking three of Chloe’s ribs, and apparently somehow breaking out of jail. And it had been _totally_ hot trying to pry her out of that magic chastity belt while she smacked him.

And Ladybug, it turned out, was the world's worst kisser.

He felt a dopy smile grow on his face as he watched her give herself a concussion on his house.

* * *

It was the start of a new day, and Marinette was not feeling any better.

New days did not mean that old days were forgotten. Quite the contrary, new days meant there was a whole day ahead in which people could talk about the old day, specifically things like her mother becoming a monster and attacking Adrien over the fact that everyone thought she and Adrien were totally doing the nasty all day long every five minutes. (Marinette didn't even know if that was physically possible!)

She had walked into school with her head bowed and her eyes firmly on the ground, unable to face the stares of all her classmates, and she wound up not even able to enjoy her solemn melancholy without walking into trees and doors and Juleka (who had apparently made bail) and at least one trashcan because she wasn't looking where she was going.

She definitely didn't look at Adrien as she walked to her seat and took her place.

That’s when Adrien Agreste turned around and reached out to take her hand.

"Marinette," he said.

"Asdfghjkl," Marinette replied.

"I know how embarrassing all those _untrue rumors_ about us must be," he said loudly, his eyes momentarily looking around at the rest of the class- Sabrina and Alix and Nathaniel and Kim and Max and Rose and Juleka and Mylene and Ivan and Alya and Nino- before coming to rest on her with startling intensity, "but they've made me think about some things, and realize some other things, and it would make me very happy if maybe we could go on a date- a real date- and get an ice cream cone together sometime. What do you say?"

"Asdfghjkl," Marinette replied.

"Great!" He placed a soft kiss on her hand, and turned around again for the start of class.

"Asdfghjkl," Marinette said again. Then she added, "Wow."

* * *

Later that day, Ladybug was so confident in herself, she was able to find, unmask, and beat Hawkmoth. He turned out to be a pipe-collector from Poland with a thing for pictures of missing blonde ladies he didn't know. And so the world was freed from the threat of his insanity.

Let that be a lesson to people everywhere: teenage sex saves superheroes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And now a deleted scene...
> 
> Marinette: Hey, Tikki, what was up with that positive pregnancy test?
> 
> Tikki: Kwamis have needs, too, and some hamsters can be very romantic. Tee hee.
> 
> Marinette: ARGH MY BRAIN WHYYYYYYYYYYYY


End file.
